- Hello? - Hello.
- Uh, yes? - Who is this?
- Who are you calling? - Who am I speaking to?
Wrong number.
- Who was that? - Oh, nobody.
- Did you pick a movie? - Yeah. We're gonna go scary.
- "Saw 4." - Ugh. I saw that in theaters.
It sucks. It's not scary, it's gross.
I hate all that torture-porn shit.
How do you really feel?
Well, I like Jigsaw. I think he kills people very creatively.
But you don't give a shit who dies 'cause there's no character development.
There's just body parts ripping and blood spewing. Blah.
- Who do you keep texting? - I have a Facebook stalker.
- He keeps leaving me messages. - Yeah, like what?
Just stuff. Like, "Hey, what's up? You're hot. I wanna kill you."
So delete him.
I did, but he hacked his way back in.
So report him.
He's really hot, though. You wanna see?
That's Channing Tatum.
It is not. Is it?
Yeah, from his Abercrombie days. You are being punked.
- Hello? - Who is this?
The more impatient version of the person you just spoke to.
I'm sorry. You don't have to be a bitch about it.
No, of course I don't. Eat me.
You hang up on me and I'll cut through your neck until I feel bone!
- Who is it? - It's for you.
- Hello? - Who's this?
It's Trudie. Who's this?
This is the last person you're ever gonna see alive.
It's a prank. Hang up.
Why'd you hand the phone to me?
You're the one with the stalker. Are the doors locked?
Don't freak out.
Let it ring.
It's from stalker boy.
He said, "Answer the phone."
For God's sake. It's a joke, Trudie.
It's probably Lexi or Karen. Where are you going?
To make sure the front door is locked.
No. Don't open it.
You're overreacting.
It's a joke, Trudie, okay? Somebody made a dummy profile.
- They're just trying to scare you. - Wait.
Who is it?
I said, who is it?
Let's call the cops.
"I dare you to open the door."
No, Sherrie. Don't.
No, don't, I'm scared.
Hey, it could be anyone that we know.
Lisa, Bailey, Wayne,
or the hopeful long shot, Channing Tatum.
There's nobody out here.
What does it say?
It says, "I'm not outside. I'm right beside you."
Trudie!
Trudie... oh, my God.
Fucking kidding me?
What?
That was so fucking stupid. Pure horseshit.
The death of horror right here in front of us.
I jumped. Scared me.
A fucking Facebook killer? You're kidding me, right?
I guess now it would be Twitter. That'd make more sense.
A bunch of articulate teens sit around and deconstruct horror movies
until Ghostface kills them one by one?
It's been done to death,
the whole self-aware, post-modern meta shit.
Stick a fork in 1996 already.
I like the "Stab" movies. They're scarier.
It's not aliens or zombies or little Asian ghost girls.
There's something real about a guy with a knife who just...
snaps.
It could really happen.
I can't do it. These sequels don't know when to stop.
They just keep recycling the same shit.
Even the opening scene.
There's always some random girl who gets a call
that undoubtedly ends up getting her killed.
It's all so predictable. There's no element of surprise.
You can see everything coming!
Aah!
Did that surprise you?
It's your own fault.
Why?
- Because you talk too much. - Agh!
Now shut the fuck up and watch the movie.
Oh, my God, I love it.
I've seen it five times, and it still gets me every time.
You're kidding. I don't get it.
Okay. It's like "The Twilight Zone."
"Twilight Zone"? A movie within a movie.
I get that. But it's illogical.
It begs the question that if the beginning of "Stab 7" is "Stab 6,"
then is the beginning of "Stab 6" "Stab 5"?
And, if so, what is "Stab 4" about?
- You're over-thinking it. - Am I?
Or did whoever make it just under-think it?
There's a reason I don't watch these movies.
I can't believe you haven't seen them. We live in Woodsboro.
That has nothing to do with Woodsboro.
I... I thought you said "Stab" was based on true stories.
The first three, the original trilogy, is based off of Sidney Prescott,
but then she threatened to sue them if they used her story,
so then they just started making stuff up.
"Stab 5" has time travel, which is by far the worst.
Don't we hear enough about this story every year?
At least Woodsboro's known for something.
Did you hear that?
Uh...
no, I didn't hear anything.
I did.
Jenny?
- Don't try to scare me. - I'm not trying to scare you.
- You do it all the time. - No, I don't.
- Where are you going? - I told you, I heard something.
- I know you're trying to scare me. - I'm not.
What is it?
I must have left a window in my room open.
Could you get that?
- Marnie? - Yeah.
- Hello? - Hello. Who is this?
Marnie. Who's this?
This is the last person you're ever gonna see alive.
What?
I'm sorry.
I had to.
You bitch.
So not funny.
Somebody falls for it every year.
I don't see why you get off on this sh...
Marnie?
Good one, Marnie. Lights out, phone on the floor?
You know, you really should direct horror films.
Wherever you are.
Let me guess.
You want me to walk by an open doorframe so you can pop out, huh?
Okay, timing, timing is perfect.
But you don't have the app on your phone,
so you can't talk like Ghostface, can you?
Yes I can.
- Who is this? - Not an app.
Is this Trevor?
Do I sound like a Trevor to you? Think of me as your director.
You're in my movie. You got a fun part, so don't blow it.
- What movie? - Same one Marnie's in.
Only her part got cut way back.
But you, you're the dumb blonde with the big tits.
We'll have some fun with you before you die.
I have a 4.0 GPA and 135 IQ, asshole. What did you do with Marnie?
- She's on the cutting room floor. - That's not funny.
This isn't a comedy. It's a horror film.
People live, people die. And you'd better start running.
Marnie?
Working for another hour tonight
Staring at the wall and let the time just pass me by
You might think you know me, but it's all just a face
Trying to ignore when people screaming my name
When something's right
Then something is worth to die for
When I feel that something is wrong
Then something is worth to fight for
Don't say goodbye
Just leave an open door
I wanna hear you say
You give me something to die for...
What do you think?
Well, I guess today is the anniversary.
- Kids. - No, I meant the display.
Oh.
It's good.
Told the owner I'd kill his cat if he didn't get it right.
Nice.
Ho! Whoa, whoa, whoa! 25, stay alive!
Shit. Sorry, Sheriff!
Kirby.
Whoo.
Hey, before you get in the car, you have to promise not to kill me.
Why? What did you do?
- Trevor called me last night. - Why is he calling you?
Because you won't take his calls.
He knows I have your ear, and he wants to know.
- Know what? - How upset you are.
Can we just not talk about this now, please?
Fine. Fine.
Okay, so Trevor called me last night.
He called you, too?
He's worried your cousin coming to Woodsboro's
distracting you from knowing how sorry he really is.
- Well, that's inventive. - Oh, God.
Problem with Trevor is he never quits.
By the way, have you seen the Grim Reaper, Angel of Death?
- What are you talking about? - Your cousin.
- Sidney. - Last stop on her book tour.
First stop on her road to a new life. It's very dramatic.
She's the reason why I love horror movies.
I'm sure she'd love to hear that. If I knew her, which I don't really.
Wherever she went, people died. Other people, it was never her.
I mean, "Stab" is the wrong franchise for her.
It should be "Final Destination."
Okay, why is Jenny Randall calling me?
- Ooh, the other woman. - Hello?
- Hello, Jill. - Can't stand Jenny.
Shh! Jenny? Is this you?
- What's your favorite scary movie? - Okay, who is this?
What does she want?
I said, who is this?
I asked you a question. What's your favorite scary movie?
I'm hanging up.
Wow. That was original.
I got a call like that this morning from Marnie the Carny.
What?
Watch out!
Nice move, asshole!
You just ran a stop sign.
Sorry.
Angel of Death.
The mayor wants these down before lunch.
Only twenty-five more to go.
- Morning, Sheriff. - Morning, Deputy.
- Joe. - Morning, Sheriff.
Looks like the celebration's begun.
- High school kids, probably. - Yeah.
One generation's tragedy is the next one's joke.
Sorry you can never get away from this.
You know, I wish I'd been old enough to be part of the force
when you were solving those crimes.
Why's that?
It's those intense investigations that really bond relationships.
Well, yeah.
How is Gale, by the way?
Gale's good. She's writing.
Fiction. Or trying.
Hey, I made some lemon squares. They're in my car.
Uh, thanks, Deputy, but no thanks.
Sheriff, you're not cheatin' on your wife if you eat my lemon square.
Yeah, but I would be cheatin' on my diet.
Sheriff Riley? Come in, Sheriff Riley!
This is Sheriff Riley. Go ahead.
You gotta get over to the Randall house right away.
It's bad, Sheriff, real bad.
The book is "Out of Darkness,"
and its author, Sidney Prescott, is here with us today.
Have the seven "Stab" movies, all based on Gale Weathers' books
about you, made it even harder to go on?
I don't blame Gale. That's in the past.
If I was a victim for too long, it was up to me to reinvent myself.
- That's why I wrote this book. - Sidney Prescott, everybody.
And rave reviews for her book "Out of Darkness."
All right, Gale, let's do it.
Let's reinvent myself.
Except...
"I have... no fucking idea... what to... write."
Oh, is that new?
That's the 2.0 upgraded version. I'm totally mobile now.
Nice. Look.
Oh, this is "Hall Pass" with Robbie Mercer,
here with the luscious Olivia "Don't look at my tits, I have a mind" Morris.
Here is my Woodsboro Massacre anniversary question:
What is your favorite scary movie?
Is that all you've got? Some stupid douche question?
Yeah, where'd you hear that anyways?
It's a line from "Stab One," duh. Hey, Charlie.
You're a, a genre nut, Kirby. What's your favorite scary movie?
"Bambi."
Dork. What?
That's funny, Kirby.
- Completely unaware you exist. - No, man, she wants me.
Yeah, I wish, right? Asshole.
I think Charlie likes you.
And I like him.
To tease, to torment, to make him squirm.
You could do a lot worse, trust me.
Oh!
Hi, Trevor. Bye, Trevor.
Can we talk?
Somebody cares about you over here, you know?
Someone who made you really happy once.
Someone who never should have let you go.
When you're done with a phone call, you let someone go.
Or when you take someone to the airport, you let them go.
When you tell someone you love her, she gives you everything,
and then you just go out with someone else,
that is not letting her go, that's dumping her, okay?
That's... that's betrayal.
Trevor Sheldon,
denied live on "Hall Pass" with Robbie Mercer.
What is your favorite scary movie, man?
I'll show you.
And I began to believe myself that that was all I was,
a victim, and that was unacceptable to me.
So, I sat down...
and began to write a new role that would be my own,
a role for a woman who could leave the walls of fear behind
and step out into the sunlight, out of darkness.
Thank you.
Okay, we're gonna start the book signing in a sec.
So buy your copies while they last. Lookin' at you, ladies.
New York Times bestseller. Rave reviews.
Gale. I'm glad you came.
Congratulations, Sidney.
I haven't had a chance to read it yet, but...
I know where you can get one.
Dewey! Hey!
Hey, Sid. Gale, you made it.
What are you doing here?
Sid, I'm sorry, I gotta do something here.
- Shit! - I'm really sorry.
Excuse me! This will only take a minute.
I need you all to stay where you are and remain silent.
Nobody leaves yet. The Sheriff thanks you.
Can this wait, Barney Fife? I'm running an event here.
- Ma'am, this is a police event now. - What's going on?
Gale, this is police business. If you could just let us handle this.
I'm talking to my husband, Deputy Judy.
Listen, there's a phone we believe
may have been taken from the scene of a crime.
Deputy Hicks has traced its location back to these coordinates.
The rest is need-to-know.
- And I'm not "need-to-know"? - Shh.
Hoss, I'm hearing something.
Sheriff, it's ringing out here!
There!
- It's coming from the trunk. - There.
Dewey? Gonna need everyone to stay back.
- Not now, Sid. - It's my rental.
Okay, it's now an official crime scene.
Let's lock it down. Get that camera outta here!
- Everybody back. - Gimme that camera.
Please tell me this is a prank, Dewey.
- I'm afraid not, Sid. - On the curb, ma'am.
- Come on. - Everybody, get back!
Henry, you're not gonna believe what just happened.
Stand back, Gale. Gale.
I just wanna see.
Cover up your kid's eyes!
Okay, essays are due Tuesday.
"Why Woodsboro is the best..."
Anything with an on/off switch should be off, that's the rule!
Somebody wanna share?
Jenny Randall and Marnie Cooper were murdered last night.
- What? - What?
Stabbed to death.
- What's your favorite scary... - Shut up!
- Yo, it's a news van! - Class is not over!
That was fast.
This week marks the anniversary of the infamous Woodsboro Murders.
Two girls killed the exact day local celebrity victim Sidney Prescott
chose to return to her hometown.
It all could be something right out of a Gale Weathers best-seller.
And where is she now?
Well, living right here in Woodsboro...
- Mrs. Riley. - Hoss.
- First Lady. - Perkins.
Excuse me, Gale. He's conducting an interview.
Great. I love interviews.
You'll have to wait, Gale. Sorry, can't let you in there.
What are you gonna do, arrest me, Deputy Judy?
If it comes to it.
Civilian interference with a police investigation
poses many a problem in a court of law.
Okay, listen to me, Judy.
I don't mind that you're working with my husband
or that you even bake him those little treats as you do.
But if you're gonna start acting like him,
you ought to put a moustache on 'cause you sound ridiculous.
- Gale! - Judy!
- Gale! - Deputy. Gale.
Please.
Uh, Sidney, if you don't mind givin' us a minute.
- Sid. - Hi, Gale.
Dewey, would you please explain to Betty Crocker
that I have every right to be here?
If there's been another murder in Woodsboro, obviously... what?
That is not public information!
- It is all over the Internet, Dewey! - It is?
Yes! The whole world knows about it before me!
She wants to be a part of the investigation, Sheriff.
Hang on.
Um, are you familiar with the phrase, "I wrote the book on this"?
Gale, with all due respect, I don't see how that pertains to...
Because I wrote the book on this!
"The Woodsboro Murders" by Gale Weathers?
But you're not a reporter anymore, Gale.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. - And even if you were...
Don't treat me like I'm the media.
I helped solve these things three times, remember?
You and me. Together.
But I'm the Sheriff now, Gale.
Right?
What, you're not gonna let me help you with this?
I can't.
All right, then I'm going rogue.
This is what I'm good at, Dewey.
This is what I know how to do.
Your lemon squares taste like ass.
They don't. They really don't.
Thank you, sir.
- Sheriff. - Yeah?
We've got a couple high school kids in here.
Two of 'em, they say they got threatening phone calls this morning
from the victims' phones.
Names are Olivia Morris and Jill Roberts.
That's Sid's cousin. Damn.
Right in here, Sheriff.
- Hey, Jill. - Sidney.
- Hi. - Hi.
It's nice to see you even under the circumstances.
You okay?
- Yeah. - So two of you got phone calls?
Yeah, us two. "What's your favorite scary movie?"
It was the killer's voice. From "Stab."
Or, I mean, you know, from your life.
I'm Kirby, by the way. I'm their friend.
And the killer didn't call you?
No. Is... is that a bad thing?
Does that mean that I'm not gonna live as long as these two?
No.
Maybe.
Of course not. Just, uh, just be careful.
Oh, my God, did you hear that? I'm gonna be next!
Dewey, I shouldn't be here. I should leave town.
I'm afraid that's not really possible, Sidney.
Look, nobody thinks you're involved, but everyone's a suspect, I'm sorry.
And there was evidence in your car, connecting the killer to you.
You may be a material witness.
So, look, you'll have, uh, 24-hour police protection.
That's comforting.
This is Rebecca.
Oh, my fucking God, Henry! Yes! It's true.
Two girls butchered. Payday.
I was so not feeling Woodsboro. I was like, lame PR move, right?
Well, fuck me wow. Best idea ever.
Henry, I'll call you back.
Excuse me I have to geek out.
I didn't get a chance to say something earlier,
but it's such an honor to meet you.
- Thank you. Hi. - Rebecca Walters.
When I was a kid, it was all about "Top Story with Gale Weathers."
- You were my '90s. - Well, it's Gale Riley now.
You gave it all up for love, I know that.
How long have you and Dewey been married?
- Ten years. - Aww!
Just like your characters in "Stab 3." Wow.
Wow.
Oh, I didn't mean bad wow.
It just, it always seemed like more of a movie romance than a real one
because it was a movie and in real life you two would never be...
Ooh, dug a hole. Climbing out here.
So anyway kudos on being brave enough to drop off the professional map.
Any plans on revitalizing your tarnished brand?
Listen, in about two seconds,
I'm gonna revitalize your face with my tarnished brand.
Ooh...
I still got it.
Testy.
She's so pretty.
When you think about what she survived, she must have scars everywhere.
Shh!
Her mom was my sister. I have scars, too.
No one ever asks me about my scars.
- I'm sorry, Mrs. Roberts. - She means knife scars, Mom.
Oh.
Well... fine.
How are you?
How's Gale?
Uh, I'm all right.
But Gale, it's been hard on her.
Small town... small-town husband.
Not much to write about.
You two okay?
Well, I read somewhere once,
"Just when you think things can't get any worse,
"sometimes they don't.
Sometimes they get better."
"Out of Darkness" by Sidney Prescott, page 220.
Gotta get going.
It's nice to see you, Dewey. Been through a lot together.
And we'll get through this, too. Okay?
- Lock up. - Mm-hmm.
Be cool.
It's okay. It's just me. Relax, relax. It's just me.
What the hell are you doing here? There are cops right out front.
No match for the ninja, baby.
Anyway, what are you doing in the house with Sidney Prescott?
I mean, that's like being on "Top Chef" with Jeffrey Dahmer.
Can you please get away from the window?
Y... You have no right to be in here. Not anymore.
Hang on.
I heard you got a phone call from the killer.
- Is that true? - What do you care?
Don't you think you'd be a lot safer with me around?
I don't trust you Trevor.
Hey.
Then I'm just gonna have to make sure that you do, all right?
Oh, sorry, I didn't...
No, he's just leaving. It's... it's my ex.
Oh.
Yeah. Her one and only.
- Hi. - Hi.
It's cool to meet you... officially.
I keep meaning to pick up a copy of your book, but...
You're smaller in person.
What?
Nothing. You just, uh... you remind me of, uh... me.
Lock your window, okay?
Yeah. Good night.
'Night.
Sorry about that.
Just makin' my rounds before takin' off.
Great. Thanks.
Y... You don't remember me, do ya?
Sorry?
We went to high school together. Judy Hicks?
We had the same homeroom and Drama Club, too.
We were in "Peter Pan" together. I played a Lost Boy.
You were... Tiger Lily.
I'm sorry, that was a long time ago.
It's okay.
You had a lot of stuff goin' on back then.
Well, it's nice to see you again, Judy.
You too.
Everything okay upstairs?
You're supposed to be out front, Perkins.
What's a 4-letter word for "courage"?
Uh...
"guts."
That's Olivia Morris. She lives next door.
She's on the list.
She can live next door to me.
Now, seriously, uh... uh, Mary,
I'm warning you, okay, I'm gonna have to get physical.
I mean it. This is it!
Just fuck off!
Hello?
What are you guys up to?
Oh, we're watching "Shaun of the Dead."
You know there are two zombies sitting outside the house in a car?
Yup. They're cops. You wanna come up?
The Angel of Death leave?
No, she's in the guest room.
Forget it. Next door's close enough.
- Your mom home? - She's at her boyfriend's.
It's creepy around here tonight.
Well, the zombies are still in their car.
So you should be all right.
- Call me tomorrow, okay? - All right.
- She didn't wanna come up? - She fears the Reaper.
Watch this.
Speaking.
What's your favorite scary movie, Olivia?
That's the worst imitation I've ever heard, Jill.
Speaking of "Stab," you heard where the Stab-a-Thon's gonna be yet?
No, and it doesn't matter to me anyways.
My mom doesn't let me go.
It's Trevor.
- I'll handle this. - Trevor's calling. Again.
- What do you want? - I wanna talk to Jill.
Uh, no, it's Kirby. Sorry, Trevor.
Jill is screening her calls from all past relationships.
What's going on over there?
Hang on a sec. What is he saying?
I'm not Trevor.
Wh... what? I can barely hear you, Trevor.
This isn't Trevor.
Oh, a... all right.
Well, then, why do you have his phone, whoever this is?
He's trying to do Ghostface.
He's being weird.
I wanna talk to Jill.
Okay, well, she doesn't wanna talk to you.
Come on, Mr. Ghostface, whisper to me.
Aren't you supposed to ask me a question?
All right. How's the movie?
What movie?
"Shaun of the Dead."
How did you know that?
Because I'm standing in the closet.
Stop. You are not.
- What's going on? - Trevor's being weird.
- I mean, if it is him, I don't know. - What?
This is not fucking Trevor!
Well then, who the fuck are you?
Open the closet door.
You do know there are cops all over this house?
I think I'd have just enough time to slice someone open.
- I-I'll talk to him. - Shh.
What's going on over there, you guys?
S... Sorry. I... I don't know. Kirby.
- Shh. - Kirby.
Come on, do it.
There is no way you're in there.
See for yourself.
Kirby?
Kirby, come on. Talk to me. This isn't funny.
Kirby!
Liar. I'm over this.
I never said I was in your closet.
Oh, my God. Olivia!
Oh, my God, help!
Aaagh!
No! Help!
- Hoss! - Somebody help!
Perkins!
Shit!
Help! Help!
What?
Welcome home, Sidney. Preview of coming events.
Why don't you come for me? You got the balls for that?
Oh, poor Sidney. You think this is all about you.
- You think you're still the star. - This isn't a fucking movie!
- It will be. - These are innocent people.
Spare me the lecture.
You've done very well by all this bloodshed, haven't you?
Well, how about the town you left behind?
I've got plans for you.
I'm gonna slit your eyelids in half so you don't blink
when I stab you in the face.
You'll die when I want you to, Sidney. Not a moment before.
Until then... you're going to suffer.
- Sidney?! - Jill?
- Stay right there! - Is she...
Do not look. Okay?
She said you were the Angel of Death.
Look out!
- What's going on in here? - He's in here.
Where is he? Ma'am?
- He was. - We'll check out back.
- Jill? - Don't.
What happened?
Oh, my God, Jill.
Jesus! I'm here. Come on. Let's go. Let's go. All right?
Jill?
Oh, my God. Are you okay?
- Here, keep pressure on it. - There's nobody back there.
- Hoss, call it in. - Right.
Hey. Are you okay?
You should look upstairs.
Let's get the coroner's van brought around, please.
It's all your fault, Sidney!
You're just like your mother!
- Hoss, clear these people out. - Right.
- I thought this was over! - Come on, leave her alone.
I'm sorry about what I said.
Do you wanna go get that looked at?
Yeah.
What the hell happened?
Okay. I saw him go into that yard two houses down right before...
Yeah, and I circled around to cut him off.
And?
And I met Hoss coming from the other direction.
He must've circled back around somehow. He's like a ghost.
- Chief, we're sorry. - We feel terrible.
All right. Get outta here.
This is "Hall Pass" with Robbie Mercer, webcasting live in our darkest hour.
What began as a day of remembrance has ended with serial murder.
Olivia Morris, who officially will never go out with me, is dead.
So is Jenny Randall and Marnie Cooper.
Our local legacy, the "Stab" movies, is coming to life.
Excuse me. Are you recording with that thing?
Live video-blog upload. He's webcasting right now.
Oh. Mind turning it off for a little old-school off the record?
Can't. Owe it to my audience.
Turn that fucking thing off.
Okay.
So, you two are the boys that run the movie club at Woodsboro High, huh?
Charlie runs it. I'm just V.P. In case he takes a bullet.
It's called Cinema Club.
So you must have a very unique insight into the movie buffs at your school.
Maybe.
What if we could catch the killer by working together?
Two generations of cutting-edge journalists
intertwining our passions for media?
What would you say?
I love you.
Very good.
Now you give me your expertise on the gore geek scene at Woodsboro High
and maybe I give you something in return.
Say, a celebrity visit to your Cinema Club?
By me.
What about Sidney?
Yeah, you know her, right? I mean, you're friends with her?
No offense, but that'd be a big deal for Cinema Club.
A visit from Sidney Prescott? I mean, she's the star.
Yes, she's Daniel Radcliffe to my J.K. Rowling.
Well, without the book sales and the box office.
Whatever.
There's no broken bones.
I think you'll be fine. Take it easy.
You were lucky, Sidney.
So, Sidney, ooh, ow.
Anyway, long story short,
Random wants to lock you in to three more books now.
See the blank line in your contract? You can name your price.
And as soon as you're clear in this investigation,
we're on the next plane to New York.
I booked "Today," "The View," "Nancy Grace," "MTV News"...
Excuse me. Can I ask you a question?
- Mm? - Did you read my book?
Thought I'd wait for the movie.
Book tour's over.
Sidney.
Accept your situation.
You're a victim. For life.
So embrace it, use it.
I know you care about your readers.
All those little downtrodden fucks that just need a light
at the end of their tunnel so they don't jump off a bridge.
And a lucky break like this?
I'm talkin' 100% increase in sales, minimum.
That's maybe a million more people get your message,
and you get a ton more checks, win-win.
I won't be needing you anymore.
- Sidney. - You're fired.
- Fired? - Fired.
Fine.
"Have you even read my book, Rebecca?"
The problem with Sidney is that she never gets laid.
Or even a little shit-faced once in a while.
She'll call me tonight and apologize.
Just watch.
She'll come around.
Gotta just give her time, and Sidney will come around.
Where did I?
Ah.
This is Rebecca.
Sidney Prescott, please.
I'm handling Miss Prescott's calls and appearances.
- May I take a message? - You are the message.
- Are you writing this down? - Yes, I am.
It's kind of hard to hear you. I'm in the hospital with Sidney.
If you could just hang on one second.
I've got time. It's you that doesn't.
You know, Rebecca,
it doesn't sound to me like you're in the hospital.
Sounds like you're in a parking garage.
A dark and deserted parking garage.
But if you want to be in the hospital, I'd be happy to put you there.
In the fucking morgue!
Ah!
No.
Help! Help!
Help me!
Help!
Cut and run, you fucking bastard.
This is an ongoing investigation.
Rest assured, we're pursuing a number of leads.
The less I say about that, the better.
- So I'm taking questions. - Sheriff! Sheriff!
- Dewey! - Gale?
Any comment on the fact that these killings
seem to resemble the pattern of the original Woodsboro Murders?
Hon? Later.
What was that, Sheriff?
As I was saying, uh, my officers are hard at work,
and we just want the community to know that we are very close
to bringing this whole situation under control...
Agh!
Oh, shit!
Someone, get up to the top of the structure! Go, go!
- Everyone back! Stay back! - All right, nobody move!
Listen, I want a man on each stairwell!
- You see anybody? - Nobody up here.
There's nobody up there, Sheriff!
It's all under control, huh, Sheriff?
What am I supposed to say?
Listen, I may not be wearing a uniform,
but I happen to have a lead, and you don't.
So let me know when you're back on Team Gale.
Move it, amateurs!
And remember, students,
tonight's town curfew is 9:00.
You should be home with your doors locked at 9:00.
Okay, Cinema Club. We are now in session.
Welcome. Tell you a little bit about ourselves.
We are a sanctioned after-school activity,
one rung below the Glee Club, two above Nintendo Wii Fit.
And let me just say to our guest, Sidney Prescott,
it's an honor.
Beyond Jamie Lee Curtis, forget Linda Blair.
I mean, this is the ultimate.
Thanks. I guess.
Um this, you film your entire
high school experience and, what, post it on the net?
Everybody'll be doing it someday, Sid.
It's kind of the one component the killer is missing.
Wait. What do you mean?
Well, if you wanna be the new version,
the killer should be filming the murders.
It's like the natural next step in a psycho slasher innovation.
I mean, you film 'em all real-time, and then before you get caught,
- you upload 'em into cyberspace. - Making your art as immortal as you.
- Not to implicate him. - Not to implicate me.
So who do you think is behind the murders?
Well, it's a "Stab" fanatic clearly.
Working on less of a shriekquel and... and more of a scream-make.
- Copyrighted terms, by the way. - 'Cause all there are now are remakes.
Only horror the studios green-light. I mean
- Psst. - There are still rules.
But the rules have changed. The unexpected is the new cliché.
Yeah, you gotta have an opening sequence that blows the doors off,
dial up some flashy music-video direction,
and the kills gotta be way more extreme.
Modern audiences get savvy to the rules of the originals.
So the reversals become the new standard.
In fact, the only surefire way to survive a modern horror movie?
You pretty much have to be gay.
So why are you so sure that the killer's working by the rules of a horror remake?
Well, the original "Stab" structure is pretty apparent.
Yeah, two kids killed in a house when their parents are away?
And then the school's hot chick savaged beyond recognition.
- We all know where it goes from there. - A party.
Exactly. A party.
Guaranteed third-act main cast bloodbath.
Fingers crossed on some nudity for a change.
Okay, so do you know of...